GIVE LIFE A CHANCE
I attempted to take my own life for the first time at age 15… I remember that day too well. I had gone into the kicthen, picked up a knife and began to attempt to smash my wrist when my Foster mother walked in and I quickly threw the knife away.
I was overwhelmed with pain and frustration. Living in a house and feeling unloved was frustrating. And then, when the one person whom I looked up to as Father had turned me into a object and came for his fill every night, I decided that ending my life would also end the pain…
My life had become a nightmare. Subconsciously I had developed two personalities… I was a different person in school , loud! Bubbly, chatty and all but back home I was a sad, forlorn, taciturn and a withdrawn gril whose only friend was books.
By the time I turned 19, I knew it was time to die.. I couldn’t bear it anymore especially as my first attempt at finding Love turned out a disaster. This time I took an overdose of drugs from the first aid box and I just wanted to sleep and never wake up.. Surprisingly though, I woke up the next morning with my eyes bloodshot, and a banging headache. Life had no meaning. I dint know if the word mental health existed at the time.. All I know was that I was tired of living .
Abuse messed up my mind, messed up my life and led me to almost end it. Being Sexually, Verbally and physically abused is a lot to take in by one single person but I went through it all coupled with lovelessness. I received my first hug at age 21! on my way to the University but I didn’t quite realise how messed up my life had been and how shattered my mental health had become.
Several years later, I attempted suicide two times 5 months part of each other. The first time I took sniper and the second time I ran into a moving vehicle. My life was not making sense, my marriage was falling, I had no children and the events of my childhood came back flooding my mind and I concluded that I never amount to anything… I concluded that I was a failure. I was despondent
My first two suicidal attempt must have been stalled by a force higher than me because I couldn’t think straight and didn’t care in the world what the consequences of my actions would be.. I just wanted to die!
The last two attempts could also only have been stalled by God! The night I took sniper, my husband and I were not on talking terms and I didn’t expect him to care less with what I was doing with myself but he saved me that deadly night…
The driver that halted his car on top speed as I walked into his oncoming vehicle couldn’t have done it successfully without a propelling force from a higher realm and I also couldn’t have stopped abruptly in the middle of the road
Much later, I went back to that that person who had constantly stalled my attempts to take my life 4 times.. I asked deep questions, I begged for answers… It was tough. I didn’t find healing instantly.. No I did not, I had several bouts of depression, it was so bad that it affected my physical health. I was completely broken.
Bottling up pain for 23 years of my life. The pain of sexual abuse, molestation, ridicule, shame, betrayal disappointment and so much more gave me the validation to end my life but deep down I also wanted to live for my siblings, my friends, and people who would feel terribly hurt by my actions. There is a thin line between suicide ideation and suicide.
The voices in my head told me to end my life, I was in a dark place mentally so I listened to the voices but I also began to dread taking a life that I did not give to myself bearing in mind that killing myself wouldn’t solve my problems as I would be eternally dammed.
Trauma is deep! our mind is where a large part of the issues of life spring from so when it is messed up a lot could go on.
But! Life is worth living because there is a purpose in your pain. You need to FIGHT for YOUR LIFE! Give your Life a Chance to live it’s full purpose on the earth. Tell yourself the truth about your pain, Forgive yourself and forgive those who cause you all that pain! Seek help, Get help. See a therapist, Just Fight for your life and do all it takes to Live
At the end.. The fight is worth it! Because once you win the battle in your mind, You have won the battle to Live!